The Woman in White

Author: Wilkie Collins

Rating: ⭐ 5/5

Date Read: 2013/11/04

Pages: 783

The Woman in White is a freaking awesome mystery novel. It’s way better than any contemporary mystery novel, because not only are the characters put into hazardous situations while stuck in the middle of the country without cell phones, but they also don’t have access to any kind of phone, or the internet, so it becomes hazardous for them to even try to tell other people what the hell is going on. Suspense!

Instead of recounting the plot of the novel, which would be inutile (it’s too convoluted to explain and still make it sound as interesting as it is), I’m going to compare the main characters with characters from contemporary film and television. This has the dual advantage of both showing off my pop-culture acumen, and amusing me. Any value you, dear reader, get from this review is purely incidental.

Mr. Hartright (played by Indiana Jones)

Besides a similarity in plot that I’m not going to give away (it should be obvious to those who have read it, but in case you forgot he just up and leaves for the freaking jungle!. Also, I hope this brief mention of plot similarities with Indiana Jones will make those who haven’t read The Woman in White more likely to do so, because Indiana Jones is a badass), they’ve also got that whole hot for teacher thing going on.

Laura (played by Ashley Olsen circa New York Minute)

Innocent, rich, blonde, and vapid. Most of the action of the plot goes on around her.

Miss Halcombe (played by Clueless’ Amber)

The smart sister, who manages to kick ass, take names, and write it all down in her diary. She’s got a banging body, but her face is awkward, so she’s pretty much stuck being a spinster.

Tai: Do you think she’s pretty?
Cher: No, she’s a full-on Monet.
Tai: What’s a monet?
Cher: It’s like a painting, see? From far away, it’s OK, but up close, it’s a big old mess. Let’s ask a guy. Christian, what do you think of Amber?
Christian: Hagsville.
Cher: See?

The Mysterious Woman in White (played by Mary-Kate Olsen circa Weeds)

The spitting image of Laura, but mysteriously not related, a la Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen’s “how could I possibly suspend my disbelief this much” 1995 film It Takes Two. Also, crazier that Laura, and about 1000 times more likely to walk around looking like a homeless person.

Sir Percival (played by 30 Rock’s Devon Banks)

Sure, he’s charming at first, but a keen woman’s intuition quickly ferrets out the fact that he’s not into Laura for love. Now, I shan’t say that the gentleman is a gold digger, but he ain’t messin’ with the broke sister, know what I’m sayin’?

Mr. Fairlie (played by 30 Rock’s Prince Gerhardt)

An invalid, whose nervous condition, I suspect, is psychosomatic. He provides some much needed comic relief. At one point, he admits someone into his chambers only on the condition that her shoes won’t creak. For serious.

Count Fosco (played by The Little Mermaid’s Ursula)

Fat, pure evil, and creepily obsessed with some rather eccentric pets. Also, surprisingly knowledgeable when it comes to music.

Countess Fosco (played by Siri, the voice of the Apple iPhone):

Cold, emotionless, and ready to parrot back anything her master tells her to. Still, she sometimes says some surprisingly interesting things.

The way that I’ve laid this whole thing out, it does not sound like it would come together very well. Luckily, I’m not the writer of The Woman in White. Unlike me, Wilkie Collins knew how to keep his plot in check even as he threw in a ton of twists and turns and “OMG I MUST READ THE NEXT SECTION RIGHT NOW” cliffhangers. Totally satisfying. At least 800 times more satisfying than this review (which, given that it contains so many glorious images, is already pretty satisfying, all things considered).