Breaking Dawn (Twilight, #4)
Author: Stephenie Meyer
Rating: â 1/5
Date Read: 2016/01/12
Pages: 756
I seriously thought about giving this two stars just because itâs so comically bad, but I just canât do that. So, instead, here are some things I learned from this book.
-When you decide to impulse marry your high school sweetheart because thatâs the only way you can convince him to bang you, donât worry about telling your mother (who is vehemently opposed to young marriage), because sheâll just change her mind and get super into decorating when thatâs convenient for the plot.
-Corollary: do not wait at all to make sure this decision is correct, because women are only of any worth if theyâre youthful, and anything past the teenage years is just too old.
-When your husband has such rough sex with you that he destroys the headboard and leaves you completely bruised, this is very romantic. Youâre the one that should feel guilty for smelling good and stuff.
-If youâre the leader of a pack of supernatural creatures actively involved in protecting the person you love most from an imminent attack (which obvs wonât actually happen, conveniently, because Meyer doesnât know how to write herself out of the plots she puts her characters into and just goes âdeus ex machinaâ on all that), the best thing to do is drive to the nearest city and hang out in the park looking for strangers to fall in love with.
-Even though your âfather-in-lawâ is a doctor with literally centuries of experience and a bunch of medical equipment in his house he will never think to perform a cesarean section on the demon baby thatâs destroying your body from the inside.
-Male vampires spend their copious amounts of free time being doctors, fighting, watching football, and being intellectual. Female vampires mostly just shop and take on nurturing roles. This is the way it has to be, because Meyer wouldnât want to call into question the believability of her supernatural universe by defying traditional gender norms.
-Pedophilia is perfectly acceptable and natural if you just call it âimprintingâ and pretend that itâs not really about wanting someone âthat way.â
-If youâre an author that creates a weird fictional world so that you can write yourself into the story, make everyone fall in love with you, make yourself super hot, give yourself more powers than everyone else, and live happily ever after, the public wonât see through the charade and youâll somehow sell far more copies of your shitty book than Proust ever sold of In Search of Lost Time. This is because the world is an unfair place filled with philistines.
-Corollary: Itâs only a happy ending if you count your enduring an abusive relationship with your husband while your best friend bangs your daughter for all eternity as a happily ever after. Which Meyer does. Literally, the last chapter of this book is titled âThe Happily Ever After.â You canât make this shit up.